Gift Cards — MONKEYLAND™

Give the gift of Monkeyland.

Because saying it in words would be a confession.

Most gift cards are for someone you love. Ours are more flexible. A Monkeyland gift card is for the brother-in-law entering month three in your guest room. The business partner whose signature is the only one you still need. The neighbor with opinions about your fence, who should really see how a fence can fail. Anyone, in short, whose absence you have imagined in a fond and specific way.

We don’t ask why you’re sending someone to Monkeyland. We stopped asking in 1974. The buyers stopped pretending around 1980, and since then everyone’s holidays have been simpler. Many of our regulars pair the card with a quick review of the recipient’s life insurance. Not required. Recommended. — Terry

Monkeyland™ Gift Card

$25

The Gesture

Covers one adult admission and most of a poncho. For someone you like, within reason, on paper.

Laminated. Ask us why.

Monkeyland™ Gift Card

$50

The Family Plan

Admits a family of four. Admission is the part we guarantee. The rest is between your family and the fence.

Returns vary.

Monkeyland™ Gift Card

$100

The Season of Giving

Includes two ponchos, priority seating on Terry’s bench, and one question about the zebra, asked in writing, answered never.

Our most sincere card.

Monkeyland™ Gift Card

$250

The Banana Suit Experience

Everything in the Season of Giving, plus a full banana costume — fitted at the gate, so there’s no time to reconsider. Guests in the suit see a side of Monkeyland no one else does. Briefly, but completely. Includes commemorative photos, taken from a distance our photographer describes as “non-negotiable,” and mailed to the address of your choosing. Choose carefully. It’s usually the estate.

Suit is non-refundable. Historically, non-returned.

Monkeyland™ Gift Card

$ __

The Blank

You name the amount. We name the bench after them. It’s the same bench. It has a lot of names on it.

Plaque lettering by Terry.

Gift card questions

Do they expire?: Never. Our gift cards outlast most things here. We find that comforting and ask that you not think about it further.
What can they be redeemed for?: Admission, ponchos, chili, and lamination services. Not redeemable for refunds, apologies, the zebra, or Terry’s testimony.
What is the banana suit made of?: Faith, and a fabric the manufacturer no longer admits to. It has never once been mistaken for a real banana. It has never once needed to be.
Where do I buy one?: At the gate, by mail (allow six weeks, arrives singed), or from Susan, who has begun issuing her own line of cards which — and this is painful to type — are honored at more businesses than ours.
How do I check my balance?: Shout the card number into the parking lot. The balance will be known. Not to you. But it will be known.
What if I lose my card?: Lost cards are classified as enrichment. If a gibbon has your card, it is his card now. This is the one policy the state has never challenged.
Can I buy one for Dave?: No. Dave is banned for his own good, and a card in his name would not be a gift — it would be a contract. Besides, Marcel checks the gift registry. We don’t know how, and we have stopped asking.