The monkeys are honest. There is a difference, and you will learn it in the first eleven minutes.
Can I bring food?
You can arrive with food.
What should I wear?
Clothes you can run in. Nothing with sentimental value, dangling parts, or your name embroidered on it — Marcel reads.
Is there a first aid station?
There is a bench, and there is Terry. Terry has seen everything. Terry has seen things the bench cannot unsee.
Are the animals ethically sourced?
The animals are sourced. Our supplier maintains a website, and we encourage you to draw the conclusions everyone else has.
Can I book a birthday party at Monkeyland?
Yes. Susan needs the date, the headcount, and — this part is policy — the headcount again at the end.
I saw the zebra at a used-car lot two towns over.
No, you didn’t.
What happened to the previous owner?
Next question.
No, seriously.
The chimps ask about him too. We find that touching, and we choose to stop thinking about it there.
Is Monkeyland hiring?
Constantly.
Do you offer refunds?
Refunds are handled by our legal department. Our legal department is also Terry.
Still have questions?
Wonderful. Shout them into the parking lot like everyone else, or see the Contact page for our other formats. Questions containing the word “zebra” are answered in the order they are shredded.